Weekly 1: Confronting the Past and Understanding ADHD and Trauma with Compassion

What happens when a simple birthday celebration stirs up a whirlwind of childhood memories and revelations? This episode of "CPTSD and Me" takes you alongside me, Andrea Ennis, as I navigate a deeply personal and unexpected journey of confronting my past. During my daughter's fifth birthday, an innocent comment from my mother opened a portal to long-buried traumas and led to a heart-to-heart that forever changed our understanding of each other. Witness the power of open dialogue and the courage required to face our histories, as we uncover hidden truths and strengthen familial bonds through honesty and empathy.

We're also joined by Coach Ken to unravel the complex interplay between ADHD and trauma, shedding light on how these conditions can masquerade as one another and complicate diagnoses. Through my own story of misdiagnosis and eventual clarity, I discuss the emotional rollercoaster that comes with understanding one’s mental health and the importance of patience and self-compassion. As we conclude, I encourage listeners to recognize the resilience and strength inherent in their healing journeys and to embrace their unique gifts as survivors. Stay tuned for our upcoming discussions, including a fascinating exploration of the film "Midsommar," and remember to subscribe for more insightful conversations.

Chapters

• 0:14 Healing Journey
• 15:33 Understanding ADHD and Trauma
• 24:26 Embracing Strength and Healing

Transcript

Speaker 2: 0:14

Hello walkers and welcome to CPTSD and Me, where we walk our healing journey together. I'm your host, andrea Ennis. Whether you're here for your first time or coming again for another walk, I'm so grateful for you being here. This episode is Weekly One for the week of January 31st 2025. This weekly will have a quick catch up with me and my healing journey, a discussion about the recent immigration actions happening in the US, a video soundbite regarding neurodivergence and trauma that I thought might provide some good reflections for you, our weekly affirmation, some notes about upcoming episodes and our regular weekly reflections. We're still working on adding listener questions comments, so feel free to send those over to our show email at cptsdandmeshow at gmailcom if you have something for us, as always, don't forget to subscribe to the show on Apple Podcasts, spotify or wherever you listen to your favorite shows so you don't miss any upcoming episodes. And if you really like the show, share it with a friend or head over to Patreon and become a member for exclusive perks and benefits. Well, it has been a week and a half over here at the Ennis House.

Speaker 2: 1:36

For those that don't know, it was my daughter's fifth birthday last week. We had a great party for her. So many friends and family came to celebrate her and it filled my heart with and family came to celebrate her and it filled my heart with so much joy to watch her be so happy and loved. But of course trauma always rears its ugly head when you least expect it, and boy did it ever this time. My mom came all the way from Virginia to be there for baby girl's birthday party. The first thing that unexpectedly popped up was when my mom made the comment that she was so glad so many people came and cue the flashback of little me standing at a window crying when I was about my daughter's age. Not a single person showed up for my first ever birthday party. Now I've dealt with this one. I was a weird kid being abused, so I acted even weirder. Kids don't understand and they shouldn't understand, but my mom's comment made me realize she didn't understand. Our traumas may feel ostracizing, but we rarely see an outward expression of sympathy or empathy from those that were around for the original trauma time period. Seeing that worry that my mom had for baby girl was her still mourning for little Andrea standing and crying alone at that window, I felt seen and held, so to speak, in a way that I'm still processing. It's such a foreign feeling that I'll likely circle back to this in a later episode, but it did make me feel something I'm very familiar with Certainty.

Speaker 2: 3:14

I was certain that I made the right decision when I finally shared a secret with my mom that I had never even tested the waters and sharing with her before Mama. I said do you remember when I found my military health records from when we were in Hawaii? Yeah, she responded, it was daddy. I affirmed no, it wasn't. She told me with the same certainty Mama, it was daddy, and it wasn't the last time. No, baby, she replied, it was the man that was watching you and I had that son of a bitch arrested. I didn't care, but it wasn't your daddy. I then proceeded to tell her about the frog story. You can catch up on the frog story on the first introduction episode, walkers.

Speaker 2: 4:03

The rage, mixed with an indescribable sadness that I have only seen on her face a few times in my entire life, came over her, and then we proceeded to talk about how it's affected me, why it took so long to tell her, and she shared her thoughts and experiences from around the same time. I found out she never knew about half the shit I had been through, because my father and his parents systematically lied about where I was when she called on his visitation weekends, why she was forced to keep sending me family court order. Whole other new rage unlocked, especially since I used to practice law. And she also reminded me of the last time I saw my bio dad. I'd be lying if I said I found peace. I'd also be lying if I said I'm any less angry. Instead, I found validation. I finally shared my demons with the one person that could truly confirm or deny what I went through. My biggest fear of telling her specifically was that she wouldn't believe me and I'd be left questioning my reality forever. Instead, by sharing our halves of the story, we made the whole story together and validated each other in ways I don't think either of us expected.

Speaker 2: 5:29

This is a little longer than the usual catch-up part of the weeklies will be, but this was a pretty major step with my journey and I wanted to share with you guys. It was terrifying to share this with someone so close to the time of the trauma, but it was incredibly meaningful to have my mom, who has her own trauma with her own experiences as well as with me, validate me. I'm trying to be respectful of her and her own story, so I'm trying to keep what she shared limited, but what I will share is she said what I needed, as well as things that I didn't know what I needed to hear. So, mama, if you're listening, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a perfect mom at such a critical point in my journey. Your consistent application of the tools you've gotten from your own therapy has helped you more than I could have ever imagined, and I am so, so happy for you and for my fellow walkers. I took a leap and got a better than expected outcome, but I took the leap not knowing the outcome. That's what I want you guys to take from this. We have a strength in us that others can only dream of. We have clear senses of right and wrong because of all the wrongs that were done to us. I want you all to hang tight with that thought while we take a quick break and when we come back, walkers, let's get right into the current event of the week.

Speaker 2: 7:31

For anyone essentially living under a rock, the current Trump administration has begun deporting immigrants, in some cases regardless of their status, of their status. Now, taking that notion of untapped strength from earlier in the episode, let's apply this to some of the layers of trauma with this political agenda Before we get into this. I don't identify with party politics. I'm forced to be registered with a party to vote in primaries in my state and I refuse to have my voice silenced on who can represent me, so I comply with this idiotic rule. However, I tend to not agree with either side and think there are more nuanced solutions that if we took the time to discuss, we would come to better and more common ground. Solutions basically include everyone. But with that over with, let's get into it.

Speaker 2: 8:27

These deportation policies are not going to deliver the mass exodus of illegals. Quote unquote that appears to be the goal of these policies. For example, within hours of President Trump's inauguration, the Customs and Border Protection the CBP one app was shut down A completely legal way for potential immigrants to make appointments to legally seek asylum. Remember this legally seek asylum. There is nothing illegal about these people. They are not in our country illegally. They have not even crossed our borders yet. They are waiting for their appointment to attempt to seek asylum. Seeking asylum means these people are trying to flee their country because their life is so endangered so endangered that they are willing to leave behind every single thing that they have ever known, because their life will end if they don't. The only thing closing that app caused was confusion, despair and anger. So, breaking down this one action, we've caused already traumatized people even more trauma People from entering at customs, from foreign flights, or even ICE agents waiting at bus stops to detain children coming home from school Walkers.

Speaker 2: 10:02

We've got to stop and think for a second. If we, as already traumatized people, were faced with the same circumstances, how would we continue? How would we live? How would we fight? Would we fight? Would we act on our own to find a way? I'm sure we could, and I know some of us would, but we all couldn't persevere. We would look to those making the decisions on what comes next.

Speaker 2: 10:36

And whether you agree or disagree with me, as Americans, the world sees us as an extension of our government and our government's actions, and one of the ways we can show the world this is wrong is resistance, not violence. You'll get outgunned every time. Instead, choose resistance. Let's use Worcester, massachusetts, as an example. The superintendent for that school district has refused to comply with ICE. Memos have gone out advising bus drivers to not allow students off at stops where ICE agents are present.

Speaker 2: 11:17

Is it small? Sure, of course it is. It's one school district in one state out of 50. But imagine if a school district in every single state chose the same action in every single state chose the same action. That's 50 school districts protecting how many hundreds of kids? Now make it two per state. That's 100 school districts taking a stand.

Speaker 2: 11:46

And that's what I want you walkers to remember you are strong enough to make a difference against wrongs, against tyranny. One small act of resistance adds to the collective voice of the patriots in our country that truly believe in the words of our constitution. Thomas jefferson and a personal I cannot stand this man, but he said this quote, which is relevant the tree of liberty must occasionally be watered by the blood of patriots and tyrants. Not taking the blood part literally. We can resist the tyranny we are currently facing. We can use our unique strength that we have gained from our unique experiences. We can use that unique strength to stand for others and, at the same time, remind ourselves of how far we have come in our own healing journey.

Speaker 2: 12:52

Like a lot of you, I am scared, I'm anxious and I'm completely uncertain of what may be coming next, but one thing I can be certain of is America can only accept so many cuts before her people fight back.

Speaker 2: 13:12

One thing I'll leave you all with before we take a break is this Labor Day, and unions were the compromise. They were the compromise reached to stop workers from killing their bosses and their families in the streets because of unfair working practices. And if that isn't enough, listen to Hopper's speech about one ant versus the whole ant colony in Pixar Disney's A Bug's Life, and with that we walk our healing journey together. Thanks once again, walkers, for being here with us, and don't forget to subscribe to the show wherever you listen to your favorite podcast, and if you want to support us further, just share the show with a friend or head over to Patreon and become a member for exclusive perks and benefits. Now our clip for discussion this week comes from Coach Ken on Instagram, and he's discussing ADHD and trauma and explains some nuances to that special strength that we, or someone that we might know, has because of their traumatic experiences, but we can't quite understand it at times. So let's take a listen and then we'll break down what I think we should be taking away and reflecting on.

Speaker 1: 15:06

An effective way to try to understand ADHD if you have it or if you're in love with somebody that has it. A lot of times they share a common background. A lot of times they're emotionally sensitive. They feel things to a very deep level, they feel things very intensely and they have a high IQ. So you have high creativity, high sensitivity in a child that's placed in an emotionally inconsistent environment when they're too young for fight or flight. So it kind of fractures that attention span. It puts them in a state of high alert.

Speaker 1: 15:33

Adhd in a lot of ways looks like somebody who's hypervigilant. A lot of times that comes from growing up in an environment that caused them to be in that mental state and they don't know how to turn it off. That's why they look like a human contradiction to themselves. They can be a genius, they can be a moron. If it catches their attention enough to calm them, then they can hyper focus in on it.

Speaker 1: 15:51

But if it's something that they're not fascinated with, something that they don't love, then they kind of stay in that cognitive fog because part of them subconsciously is always looking around, always trying to be aware. That's why they're also the nicest person with the worst temper when they feel at peace, when they feel calm, when they feel understood, the kindness, the love, the sacrifice can be out of this world. But when they feel attacked, when they feel like somebody's coming at them aggressively, when they feel like they're being threatened by abandonment, the temper comes out. They're also very confident and very insecure. When they feel calm and they feel like they have access to their mind and to their full capability, there's no stopping them. But when they feel like they're being judged and they risk rejection, then all of a sudden that anxiety comes back, that mental fog kicks in.

Speaker 2: 16:33

So if you look at it as a gifted intensity that comes from trauma, First a couple of quick notes about the sound clip or video that you just listened to or watched. First, thank you to Coach Ken for sharing his insight. I highly recommend following him on Instagram at Real Coach Ken and Coach Ken. I hope it's okay that I'm sharing your insight here on the show. Additionally, it did not cut off early. That is where the actual real soundbite clips off, so I apologize for not having the end of his insight in there regarding that, but I can only give you what I got. But now that that's out of the way, let's talk about how we can feel as walking contradictions. I feel this so deeply that I knew this was going to be my first clip with you guys.

Speaker 2: 17:20

When first seeking treatment for my mental health, I was on lithium, abilify, geodon, risperidone, latuda, you name it. For over 10 years I was on it and the misdiagnosis stemmed from exactly what Coach Ken is sharing here. It wasn't until a resident psychiatrist finally asked do you have ADHD? You've never even been tested. According to your chart, we're getting you tested because you're not responding to any of these medicines like someone with bipolar should and Walker. Sure enough, I got tested and I have ADHD and a possibility of ASD, which is autism spectrum disorder, and they confirmed I do not have bipolar disorder. They said specifically that my trauma may be manifesting in ways that appear to be bipolar disorder, but now they're pretty confident I don't have it. So, sure enough, this is where I am and this is what finally got me on the right medicine, and when that happened, all of the trauma started to finally break through. Now, listening to coach Ken here, we can see why I was diagnosed incorrectly. It was the intensity of the dualities between the ADHD and the trauma that I had experienced, and once I was on the right medications, the duality became so much clearer, but the reasons and traumas themselves got murkier and instead of being able to function better mentally, I broke further into despair.

Speaker 2: 19:18

So why is the natural question that follows all of this and that's what I want us to reflect on for this week, for this week, for ourselves or for someone we love why would it get worse when it appears that it should be getting better, based on the steps we're taking to heal and, of course, we all know healing isn't linear but this type of regression in our healing journey can be devastating, devastating to not only ourselves but to those around us and those we love, and we don't mean for it to be, but it is essentially wired into who we are, just as Coach Ken describes here. So what do we do with that? What can we do when we feel as though we are only ever going to drown, so to speak, in our trauma Walkers? I want you to take this with you Patience, that's what we should be taking away from this is patience, that's what we should be taking away from this is patience.

Speaker 2: 20:36

Patience for your healing journey, or the healing journey of someone that you love deeply, because we will be irrationally angry when triggered, because we have experienced the irrational. We have experienced the things that we as a society won't even speak of. We experience the hurt and pain that they make films about, that, they make documentaries about that. People sit and watch and go wow, how is that person even sitting here in front of me to tell their story? Person even sitting here in front of me to tell their story? So what I want you to take away is patience. Be patient with yourself, be patient with your loved one, be patient with the process and, above all, treat yourself and your loved ones with kindness.

Speaker 1: 21:48

And, above all, treat yourself and your loved ones with kindness. This is a great spot to take a quick break and when we come back we'll wrap up with our weekly reflection affirmation and some notes about upcoming episodes.

Speaker 2: 22:07

So we'll be right back after walkers. We've arrived at the last section of this weekly episode, so let's get right into it First. The next weekly episode is scheduled for February 7th 2025. Or for paid tier Patreon members, that is a tongue twister and a half February 6th 2025. There shouldn't be any interruptions in this weekly release, since life will be scheduled a little calmer this week, but I want to make God laugh. Tell him your plans. So, as always, if anything changes, I will leave an update on Patreon regarding the change and when you can expect the new episode. Additionally, the first art and media episode is moving along.

Speaker 2: 22:56

I'm trying to be selective, since this episode will also feature a video version with images from the film. However, the discussion about Midsommar involves some traumatic scenes that we can't upload to YouTube due to graphic nature. The only way we can really get them in there is to censor them. So, while I know what I want to say, I'm slowed down a little bit by the video portion of what I'm allowed to show. It's coming and I'm so excited to share my view of it with actual imagery to emphasize the messages I want to share with you guys, but I want to let you know it is taking a little bit longer because of that little video restriction. I have also, additionally, reached out regarding some special guest episodes and have a few people I'm trying to get lined up as well and have a few people I'm trying to get lined up as well. So keep an eye out for more news about those in the future. Additionally, if you think you have a story you'd like to share or some insight, feel free to email us at CPTSDandMeShow at gmailcom and let us know a little bit and we can give you a questionnaire screener and get to know each other a little better and see if you'd be a good fit for the show. Finally, we've got our reflection affirmation of the week and what I want to leave you guys with is basically a summation of the whole episode.

Speaker 2: 24:26

So when you need a reminder of that unique strength or you need a reminder of the unique strength that that loved one has, you can tell yourself this I am stronger than most, I deserve patience, I deserve kindness, I deserve peace, and you do. The fact you listened this far is proof. You didn't disregard what we've discussed enough to still be listening, even if you disregarded parts of it. You're still here, you're still trying, you're still fighting and that should show you enough that you are worthy of that patience. You enough that you are worthy of that patience. Some part of you has the drive to heal and live and that makes you stronger than most. That means you deserve patience, you deserve kindness, you deserve peace. So, thank you, walkers, for finishing our walk today on CPTSD and Me, where we walk our healing journey together. Don't forget to subscribe, share or join our Patreon for those exclusive perks and benefits. I've been your host, andrea Ennis, and remember, the more you feel, the more you can heal. See you next time, thank you.